20 years

 My mom and I at my first birthday

This must have been close to the end, 1992.  She looks pretty sick, but was always able to smile.

Saturday was the 20th anniversary of my mom's death.  When it happened, back on that sunny Tuesday morning, we couldn't imagine making it a few days, or to the next holiday without her, much less 20 years. In many ways the time has flown by and years have become a blur, and yet I can still remember the morning she died, the day we buried her, and the many Mother's Days that I cried, because it just wasn't fair. 
My dad and brother and I went to the cemetery together, and replanted a few bushes.  It was a bittersweet time, naturally there were tears, but there was also a sense of accomplishment.  Thru God's strength, we made it, we have gone 20 years without her, we survived the worst, together (really, try to imagine your life without your mother or wife for the last 20 years, not an easy thing!).  There will always be grief, it changes as life changes.  I am thankful there is no sadness in heaven, because I am often sad about how much my mom has missed, particularly in being a grandma. 
After the cemetery we all came together to watch some old home videos, so that we could reminisce a bit.  Her laughter was the best, always hearty and contagious.  She didn't like being in videos, or photos for that matter, and I sure wish we had more of her.  That second photo above reminds me of just how sick she was, how she fought, and how ready she was to go home and be out of pain, forever.  Anytime I am at the cemetery I tell God that now would be a good time for Him to return, because I want so badly to be there when she rises from the grave in her resurrection body.  I feel bad that part of the reason I want to go to heaven is to see her, but I hope God understands.  That longing for her never goes away.  She is in a better place (how cliche, I know), but she is, she is never in pain and gets to be with Jesus, rejoicing with the angels and waiting for us to come join her.  Honestly, I hope it is not too long before He comes to take us Home, our permanent home!